How to Strengthen Emotional Bonds in Couples Therapy
Updated: Oct 7
You can care about each other and still feel far apart. Perhaps most conversations are about schedules. Perhaps an attempt to ask for closeness turns into another argument. Couples therapy can give you time to look closely at those moments and decide what you want to do differently.
In my work, I pay attention to emotions, communication, and the context around a disagreement. A useful starting point is a specific question: When do you feel connected, and what gets in the way?
Make sure it is safe to practice together
The suggestions below assume both partners can disagree, decline, and take a break without punishment. If there is fear, intimidation, coercive control, or violence, prioritize individual support and safety. Joint therapy or vulnerable conversations may be unsafe. A therapist should assess these concerns privately before recommending couples work. The World Health Organization's clinical handbook cautions against couples counseling when violence or abuse is occurring.
You do not need to become more vulnerable with someone who uses that vulnerability against you.
Start with one recent moment
Choose a manageable example rather than the most painful issue in your relationship. You might look at what happened when plans changed or one person felt ignored during dinner.
Each partner can describe:
What happened, as specifically as possible
What they thought it meant
What they felt and did next
What they wanted the other person to understand
For example, one person might interpret silence as disinterest while the other is trying to find words. That possibility is worth checking. It does not erase the impact of being left without an answer, and it does not make either explanation automatically correct.
Make a request the other person can understand
The Gottman Method calls a less blaming opening a softened start-up. It means describing a concern and a need without attacking your partner's character.
A possible request is: “I felt overwhelmed handling dinner and cleanup tonight. Could we decide who is doing each part tomorrow?”
This gives you something concrete to discuss. A gentler opening may help, but it cannot guarantee a considerate response. Each person remains responsible for their behavior.
When listening, try checking your understanding before answering: “You want the planning shared too, not just help after you ask. Did I get that?” You can understand a concern while still needing to discuss what is possible.
Notice what already helps
Ask each other for one recent example of feeling cared for. Keep it specific: a task completed without a reminder, room to decompress, or interest in something that mattered to you.
Then ask whether you could make that action easier to repeat. A brief check-in may fit better than an elaborate date night. Sharing a game, a meal, or quiet time can be meaningful if both people enjoy it. A shared hobby does not need to become a relationship assignment.
Connection also needs room for differences. Eye contact, touch, immediate verbal responses, and long conversations are not universal measures of care. Discuss what feels comfortable and how each person communicates interest. Either partner can decline an exercise or suggest an alternative.
Turn intentions into something you can review
Choose one change to try, agree on what it involves, and decide when to talk about how it went. “Spend more time together” is hard to evaluate. “Have tea together after dinner on Tuesday, with an option to reschedule” is clearer.
When you review it, ask whether the change felt useful, manageable, and mutual. If it added pressure or resentment, adjust it. Rebuilding trust after significant hurt may require accountability and sustained changes beyond communication exercises.
Couples counseling at Tall Grass Therapy
I'm Dr. Corrine Buchanan, the owner and therapist at Tall Grass Therapy. I offer online couples counseling for adults in Florida and Oregon. My approach includes emotions, mindfulness, and communication, and I have completed Level 2 Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Games and fandom can be part of a conversation when relevant to you; they are optional.
I'm maintaining a waitlist for new therapy clients. You can join the waitlist through Paubox.
