Couples Counseling Tips for a Stronger Relationship
Updated: Oct 7
Small interactions can be useful places to begin when a relationship feels strained. You might want a clearer way to bring up a concern, a less rushed moment together, or a plan for returning to a conversation after a break.
Choose one change that both partners are willing to try. These suggestions are invitations to experiment, not a checklist every relationship must complete.
Begin with safety and choice
Communication exercises assume that each person can disagree, say no, and take a break without fear. If there is intimidation, coercive control, or violence, prioritize safety and individual support. Joint exercises or couples therapy can be unsafe in an abusive relationship; the WHO's clinical handbook on intimate partner violence advises against couple counseling in that context.
You do not have to disclose vulnerable information to a partner to prove that you are trying. A clinician should consider safety privately before recommending joint work.
Make one specific request
Choose a manageable issue and a time when both of you can participate. Describe what happened, how it affected you, and what you would like to ask for.
For example: “When our evening plans change without a message, I don't know whether to wait. Could we text each other when the timing changes?” That gives your partner something specific to respond to. The Gottman Institute describes a gentle start-up as raising a concern without attacking the other person's character.
A careful opening does not guarantee a calm response. Each person remains responsible for how they behave, and you can stop a conversation that becomes threatening or disrespectful.
Find a way to show you are listening
Instead of planning a rebuttal, check what you understood: “Are you saying the uncertainty is the difficult part?” Let your partner correct you before moving to your own perspective.
Eye contact, matching body language, or sitting close together are not requirements for caring. Some people listen better while looking away, moving, or having a little more space. Ask what helps rather than assuming that one visible behavior proves attention.
Written notes can also help clarify a request. Agree together on how and when to respond so that a message does not become another source of pressure.
Give breaks a practical shape
If you notice that you can no longer follow the conversation or speak respectfully, ask for a pause. When it is safe, identify a realistic time to check in again: “I need some space. Can we see whether we're ready to continue after dinner?”
A break is easier to use when both people know what it means. Discuss it outside a disagreement if possible. Neither person needs to be pursued, touched, or talked into continuing. If you repeatedly cannot return to a topic safely, that is something to discuss with a professional rather than solve through greater persistence.
Choose a small ritual you both want
A shared cup of tea, a short walk, or ten minutes discussing a favorite show might offer a welcome point of contact. The activity should fit your access needs, schedules, energy, and interests.
Ask each other:
What would feel connecting this week?
What would make it feel like another chore?
How can either of us change or decline the plan?
Affection can be offered in words, practical help, shared time, or touch if wanted. A hug or high-five is optional. Appreciate a specific effort without requiring an equally enthusiastic response.
Review the experiment
After trying a change, ask what was useful and what needs adjusting. One partner may like a daily check-in while the other finds it exhausting. A workable plan should include both experiences.
I'm Dr. Corrine Buchanan. I offer online couples counseling for adults in Florida and Oregon. We can look at the patterns between you and choose work that fits your relationship and goals. Games, stories, and shared interests can be included when useful; they are optional.
I'm not accepting new therapy clients right now. Join the waitlist through Paubox.
